Ascension Album.

It's been three weeks since my last post. Sorry about that dear reader. I've been concentrating on making an album for hardcopy and electronic release.

It's called Ascension. It contains the story of a man who, through Pascal's Wager, decides to believe in god, and finds to his dismay that hell, and the devil come with the belief.

Although I may say goddammit, or jesus christ, when disgusted, that is a product of my upbringing. I don't believe in god. I have in my past, but no more. The reason being is that god is supposed to be benevolent, and omnipotent. One that has these two traits would never allow for evil. Yet the nonexistent one does.

Due to this, I find it much more comforting in my life that the random like nature of chaos, the non-personal attacks on individuals who are good, exists instead. See, chaos doesn't give a shit about you, or me, and can still be the driving force of the universe.  Because of this, chaos does not lie, like the god that others conceive (and fight over).

It makes so much more sense to me, where I have tried continuously and failed to have decent relationships, make real money that will sustain me and my family, get custody of my son (whom I can now never see, but allegedly twice a year if ever). It makes so much more sense that when I was addicted to drugs and alcohol, that chaos would allow, nay, support the happy habit; yet when I quit with much effort and finality, that I would get arrested for -- you guessed it -- drugs, and a DWI, the ONE TIME I HAD THEM SINCE I QUIT.  It's random people.  It's not god.

I look everywhere all the time looking for god in my life and only find the truth of chaos.  God in my life would be a good job, or at least a good income that everyone else seems to have.  God in my life would be a house, a car that I had the pleasure of earning the money to pay for, and a family that supports me and my endeavors. God in my life would at least be my parents helping when I am clean and sober, and having never supported me when I was in my habit. God in my life would be the love of my infant son who is being raised by two gay men (read what you will into that, I don't give a crap).  God in my life would be having a real vacation every year, just like every other working stiff out there, going to the lake, owning a boat, living the American dream.  It's not that way for me.  It's been the American night mare since I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder.

God in my life would be the news agencies not equating mental illness with violence.

God in my life would be when a dog needs $4000.00 surgery to save it's legs, that it get's it, and I get my meds, or never need them in the first place. This is a stupid thing: Dog needs surgery to save it's legs, so the owner goes and tells his friend. The friend goes on the internet and tries to raise money for the dog.  Yet when I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, no one gave enough shit about me to raise the money to help pay for treatment, and medications for me, no, instead I was left to become nearly homeless....and people wonder why I was addicted to drugs and alcohol.

God in my life would have never been in an addiction anyway.

I was told once that Oh, you turned away from god.  Sure.  God turned away from us all.  Including me.

Or,

there is an impersonal force in this universe...it never cared in the first place, and never will about us, it may have created us by accident, but it's not out to destroy us, just that it's a random force, and will destroy or create at random.

That's much more comforting to me.

David
HMM/TCM